Help me so I can help others.

I have considered coming forward and being an open book in regards to my own mental health for so long, but whenever push comes to shove the first thing that comes to mind is “I am brave, or am I stupid” because opening up about something such as suicidal thoughts is in a way setting myself up for judgement.

Many of my close friends will know that for the past few months Andrew and I have been doing all that is required to gain certification as a registered Charity in New Zealand for a little project we call ‘Humankind’. This was born out of the need for support and assistance for those struggling with Mental health in NZ, because let me tell you now – our system is failing each and every one of us and closer to home – its failing me.

Mental illness is all consuming, regardless of the scale or length those who experience it are affected by it. You don’t feel worthy of the space that contains you, and with each breath you take its feels as if you are stealing it from those who have so much more to give.

Today, I was prepared to go through with my own suicide and for some for you that will be viewed as selfish. It chills me when suicide is looked at as selfish, when really, those who sadly take their own lives, often feel as though that is the most selfless act they can commit. I am alive today because my best friend, a man who I have been so blessed to call my partner for the past 18 months saved my life. He may not view what he did as an act of heroism but he is just that – a hero.

So am I a survivor for having the strength to voice my struggles? I’m not entirely sure, to be honest I feel like it’s a weight off my shoulders. So many of us walk around wearing these masks, afraid of showing our true feelings from fear of others using it as ammunition against you. In truth, I’m willing to bet there are more people out there who would relate, than hate in regards to depression, anxiety, ptsd etc. I also know that I and others going through any kind of mental health illness need more help than what has been made available us.

I truly see myself getting better and regaining that witty, all enthusiastic light up the room nature that I was once known for. I just need a little help to make that happen.

We are currently arranging treatment at a small wellness clinic in the south island, with the help of their team and the right psychologists on board we should see huge improvements which without your support would be impossible.

Any donations above the required amount for my personal treatment will be donated to our charity ‘Humankind’ to inspire, encourage and give help to those struggling with depression, anxiety and suicide.