Nelson 24hr Ultra

Kia ora koutou katoa.

After the summer hiatus, we still have reports coming to hand that four cripplingly unfit delinquents have their forthcoming long-distance sporting event and are in even worse shape than previously reported. The cases are all still the same males in their mid-twenties, listed as follows:

• Connor “the Stiff Nipple” Jones

• Michael “potential shaved domepiece” Stephens

• James “Fitness Stick” Bragg

• Nicholas “the Thorndon Stroker” Pacey

At this point, we can confirm the following:

• All gentlemen have underlying drinking problems;

• There is also no discernible fitness pedigree to note in any individual;

• Attempts to improve cardio fitness over the break were futile and reportedly stifled by aforementioned drinking tendencies;

• Last minute efforts to reach some level of fitness are underway across the country.

For those not in the know, the Ultra24 is a 24-hour endurance challenge, more debilitating than Covid Alert Level 12. Every competitor runs the same, specially designed 10.5km trail with over 430m ascent in the amazing Cable Bay Adventure Park, Nelson. Between the four of us, we have 24 hours to run as many laps as possible. The race begins at midday on Saturday March the 6th and ends at midday on Sunday March 7th.

The event has partnered up with the amazing people over at the Nelson Marlborough Helicopter Trust so we have taken it upon our selves to help raise some funds. They say it takes on average $3500 to save a life so we have set ourselves a lofty team goal of raising $4,000, and would love for you to get behind the #teamoffour. Despite battling horrendous chaffing and arthritic inducing knee pain, even before the run has commenced; the Ultra Breathers have outlined a series of individual donation targets (or punishments) and incentives for your donating pleasure. When each total donation milestone is reached, every team member will run a lap as outlined:

$2,000 – all members run in costumes

$4,000 – all members run in full Nelson Marlborough Helicopter Rescue kit - overalls, boots and helmet

To help reach these team milestones, each member has agreed to individual incentivised donations. When the target amount is fundraised in a single transaction, the member will complete the said milestone*:

Pacey:

a) The Slipstream (complete body shave less eyebrows)- $400

b) Crusher Collins - Back to back laps - PAID

Michael:

a) Shaved Domepiece - PAID

b) Run a lap in jeans - $100

Connor:

a) Tattoo of course outline - PAID

b) Eat a 2L Tub of ice-cream pre-lap - PAID

Bragg:

a) Bleached Hair - $200

b) Run a lap carrying a golf bag - $200

To achieve these, we are encouraging collective donations of funds between groups of people. The more mates you get involved to donate, the more accessible each milestone is for purchase. If you wish to donate to one of these individual milestones but do not have enough funds, message us and we can connect you with other like-minded people who want to see us suffer.

So pool in that flat food budget, spare the 6 jugs of El Horno sangria that you won’t remember anyway and donate to a good cause, with some earnest and evident suffering.

If you're wanting to pay for an incentive make sure to write it in the donation comments.

*Each milestone can only be redeemed once. Michael doesn’t have that much hair to give.