The morning after Dawn died, while the hospice still gracefully held her body, a few friends gathered with Fi and me for a farewell. Feeling the nudge to have a reading I opened John O'Donohue's book "Benedictus" and the first blessing I chose to look at surrounding death was Dawn. Note that Dawn has Irish ancestry, is an Irish citizen and appreciated this gentle author and spiritual being who also died an untimely death at the same age as Dawn. I was able to meet him and hear his readings shared in person not long before he died. I stopped at the asterisk thinking that was the end of the piece, but in fact it went on longer. If you can imagine this read in an Irish lilt ... my hope is that you find this comforting:
On the death of the beloved
John O'Donohue
Though we need to weep your loss,
You dwell in that safe place in our hearts,
Where no storm or night or pain can reach you.
Your love was like the dawn
Brightening over our lives,
Awakening beneath the dark
A further adventure of colour.
The sound of your voice
Found for us
A new music
That brightened everything.
Whatever you enfolded in your gaze
Quickened in the joy of its being;
You place smiles like flowers
On the altar of the heart.
Your mind always sparkled
With wonder at things.
Though your days here were brief,
Your spirit was alive, awake, complete.
We look towards each other no longer
From the old distance of our names;
Now you dwell inside the rhythm of breath,
as close to us as we are to ourselves.
*
Though we cannot see you with outward eyes,
We know our soul's gaze is upon your face,
Smiling back at us from within everything
To which we bring our best refinement.
Let us not look for you only in memory,
Where we would grow lonely without you.
You would want us to find you in presence,
Beside us when beauty brightens,
When kindness glows
And music echoes eternal tones.
When orchids brighten the earth,
Darkest winter has turned to spring;
May this dark grief flower with hope
In every heart that loves you.
May you continue to inspire us:
To enter each day with a generous heart.
To serve the call of courage and love
Until we see your beautiful face again
In that land where there is no more separation,
Where all tears will be wiped from our mind,
And where we will never lose you again.
***
The time is yet to come for me to write a true tribute to Dawn, but following in her footsteps of transparency and knowing she would want to keep you all informed, I'm attempting a brief update now.
In the wee hours, the night Dawn died, Fiona and I sat in their home spinning from the most shocking rollercoaster ride of our lives. Did that really just happen? Viscerally churning. Disbelief intermingled with intense and heartbreaking knowing.
Fiona and Dawn had long planned a trip to the US for over the holiday season. When I was here for what we planned as a girls' connect trip, but ended up being on the heels of the first hospitalization in later October, Dawn was still planning that. Mind you, she was still planning on running a half marathon in the South Island in mid-November. By the time I left several days later it had been downgraded to, "Maybe I'll just go and volunteer." Not quite ready to throw in the towel on the US trip, we had several subsequent conversations about travelling and the risk of needing emergency treatment and getting caught up in the capitalist medical system of the US. "I'll leave at the first sign of feeling unwell ..." of course morphed into cancelling the trip. Just reminding you of the stamina of Dawn, this was also the time we were together when she confided she was afraid these symptoms were heralding the beginning of the end.
As I looked at Fi, in those wee hours, and imagined eventually driving away from her, I was overwhelmed by the knowing that if we could count out the days and could be manage it before her Medical Imaging course in Auckland resumes mid-January, she needed to go be with Finley and her family.
If there was an award for daughter extraordinaire, it would go to Fiona, who upon her return after her semester ended in late November, did not leave her mother's side. Nothing was too hard for her to witness. Her enduring love and dedication came forth in an act of service towards her mother that will bring me to my knees for the rest of my life. Fi needs and deserves space to press the reset button. I could see her shoulders and face relax when we decided there was enough time for the US trip.
A friend and I have commented on how over the past six months we can see there seems to be signals of a divinely lit pathway for Dawn that keeps popping up even now. I called my husband the next morning to tell him the plans Fiona and I had come up with and he said, "That sounds perfect for her. Hey, by chance would it be Friday as that's when (our daughter and her boyfriend) are landing in Auckland. Maybe you could pick them up when you drop Fi at the airport." In fact, yes, that was the date we were planning which felt like another wink of confirmation.
Since Dawn's death, Fiona and I have been fully immersed in meetings and paperwork to get as much business sorted as necessary for her to be able to let go of that stress and walk towards her family.
Fiona felt strongly about not rushing into doing a funeral. If you've read Dawn's book, Love, Loss and Lifelines, you will understand why. Yesterday we did look at her school calendar and have set a time when she is on break from uni-- date coming soon.
Tomorrow at 5 am her crew have organized a gathering:
"For our dear friend Dawn. We will have a Dawn walk/run this Friday morning. There will not be a funeral in the immediate future so this will be a good opportunity to come together to celebrate Dawn. To laugh and to cry. To remember the good times or simply to be silent and be amongst the rest of her friends to share the grief. Meet at the surf club at 5 am for a 5:15 take off to see the sunrise from the top. Dawn will be with us there in spirit."
According to Dawn's wishes, please help us spread the word that the most meaningful way to honor her is to donate to Finley and Fiona's future. Dawn was ineligible for life insurance because of her severe liver condition and as most of you know the children's father died ten years ago so Dawn's desire was for the children to be supported to finish their advanced studies so they may start their lives on secure footing.
Fiona is working on a Bachelor's Degree in Radiology in Auckland. (if any of you have leads on a flatting situation, please contact me at beckyaud@mac.com. she has 2.5 years left of the program) Fortunately she and my family are a closer distance when she is there, so Ally will join two gentle pup brothers on our five acres in the Northland where Fi can visit her frequently.
Finley is completing his high school studies while living with his grandfather in Ohio. He's hoping to attend university as well.
Some of you have contacted me wanting to donate directly. There is a NZ account I've set up for Dawn for that purpose and if you are in the US you can Zelle me at beckyaud@mac.com and I will transfer that to Fiona's NZ account. Please know that Fiona is extremely responsible and we will be setting up an interest drawing account that will hopefully continue to provide for her and Finley moving forward. I encourage you to consider revisiting with a donation you can afford throughout this coming year. Dawn and the children are immensely grateful for this support for their future.
And Fiona recently mentioned to me and I'll remind you, any tributes made here on this site go to this site, not to the kids.
Late last night, Fiona was going through some of Dawn's notes as we were wrapping us some business and came upon these words she'd scrawled in her bedside notebook:
December 8, 2022
When I'm gone: but not forever
Dawn Picken
Cry and wail, moan and shriek
ask "why?"
But not forever.
Lament the times that will not happen,
the memories that will not transpire.
With me.
Curse fate for torching the plans we made,
pulverizing them to grit and ash
But not forever.
***
As we write this post, Dawn is being cremated. Light a candle if you wish.
Last night Fi looked up from reading through Dawn's messages and said, "I feel like I have so many moms now," which I know would make Dawn so grateful. Just don't be too alarmed if you get a message from "Dawn" as Fi is compelled to answer some of those from her account. It was a bit of a startle, yet a comfort to have her pop up on my phone.
Blessed be.
