Message from Amanda
19 April 2013This message is a massive thank you for all the support & love that you all have shown me, Gemma, Lola & Ziggy. We are totally humbled and grateful for the incredible love, compassion & generosity of friends & strangers during this incredibly difficult time. I realised as I scanned this page that the photos on this page tell a story.. But only one side.. The brave face.. The face I need to show for my daughters...where their momma isn't falling apart and grieving at the loss of her life, her physicality, her way of being & engaging in the world. I am broken I tell Lola... And it makes me sad. I tell her I am here in the spinal unit to get strong so I can come home. What she won't understand is that I am paralysed from my pounamu necklace down. I have no core ( no stomach muscles)...I breathe only with my diaphragm, as the intercostals are gone. I can't cough or sneeze...I have no bladder or bowel control...and most challenging of all, limited hand movement...every moment in this body takes effort. I would trade my legs for my hands in a breath! To understand the feeling... It would be like you sitting on a Swiss ball & lifting your feet off the floor... No centre, no balance. There is no instinct...I have to relearn everything...Other than exercising I spend hours each day putting pieces of Lego or sponge from one container to another...trying to create new neural pathways, & strengthen my hands. I am angry, i am sad, I am broken that I am broken...but I am alive, I am sharp, and I am here for my girls. I get to love them & see them grown up with Gemma at my side and wouldn't trade that for the world! Just know I'm gonna do EVERYTHING I can to shine.