I nervously look forward to tomorrow. Will I be able to control myself? Will sweet things make me feel ill? Have I made a difference? I know the money donated by you generous donors will make a difference, so thank you!!!
Out on a dinner date tonight I got asked if I'd like to order dessert. I declined, and began dreaming of the future the children who are rescued could have. Like me they've experienced 'love' as a control tactic welded by the consumer for their personal gain. I'm blessed to be gaining a glimpse of what love is meant to be - first and primarily from God, secondly and tentatively from dating. I feel humbled to be a part of making it possible for these children to also rediscover love; real love.
I forgot to get lunch for work today, but I live in an affluent country in which I can stop at a cafe on the way to the office and grab something. While it was difficult to find something sugar free, it's still a far more privileged position than the children who need to be rescued never knowing if or when they might get the next meal.
My brother turns 37 today. I want cake.
I've been thinking about the kids today, do they get to celebrate milestones like birthdays? Do they want to, or is it just a reminder of how long they've been trapped?
Monthly staff lunch. Thankfully it was prepared by Tayte who's also doing well going sugar free so pretty much safe. I wonder what it's like for the children to be doing something 'normal' that they've come to associate with trauma (like I associate staff lunch with cookies) and how long it takes for them to start realising they're not going to be exposed to any threat to their safety.
Tonight I was talking about the end of the month with my friends. We were discussing having creme brule. With the end now in sight I feel like I'm catching a glimpse of what it might be like once a child knows they're going to be rescued soon. There's anticipation, yes, but also a fear of the unknown. Will I gorge and get sick, will I still want sugar? Only time will tell, for now I keep on going.
Throughout this month I've had people being, well, legalistic about my challenge. Constant questions of "can you have that?" or offers of foods that are accompanied by "surely you can allow yourself..." have been a frequent annoyance. Fruit, no added sugar. Simple really. Why should I get to 'cheat' when the kids don't have the same option?
Rant over
I'm not sick, but I'm not well either. I'm feeling gross enough to feel like lying on a couch and be waited on, wallowing in my self pity for an evening. Who looks after these kids when they're sick? I'm in my 30s and I still want to be looked after if I'm at all under the weather. I can take a day off if I'm sick enough, though I'm stubborn enough not to. The kids don't get a choice, forced to work whenever a paying customer has use for them.
Wow, what a week. Lots of temptations including social gathering at my place with cookies, camp with apple pie and daily cookies, and an overall craving for the sweet stuff. Still, it's not what's stood out to me; it's the way the days have run into each other since I last posted. I've raced, walked, and eventually limped my a through a blur of days. I've had the privilege of having many positive experiences during this time, awesome support people around me, as well as knowing how long the busy period was going to last. For kids who've been trafficked they are likely to experience times where the days meld into one long nightmare, but they aren't likely to have the luxuries that made this week bearable, even enjoyable.
To continue yesterday's theme; Association is powerful.
A conversation recently highlighted this for me; a couple had made plans for an evening out and part of the plans pertaining to the first section of the evening changed. The female, who was on the losing end of these changes, grumpily expressed her hurt, the male apologised, but the start of the evening was unable to be rectified so they solidified plans for the latter part of the evening. When the male came to meet her as per the revised plan he expressed surprise that she was genuinely happy to see him and eager to get their plans underway. She had chosen to accept his apology and not let the failed section on the evening ruin the rest, but prior experiences had taught him to associate such mistakes with the need to grovel and earn back a partner's happiness, maybe even have to buy her something.
Our actions shape and reinforce our associations and the associations of those around us.
So let's put our efforts into making as many positive associations as possible - you might just help someone reprogram a negative one.
It's funny how association works. Today we had burger fuel for lunch at work and I had an intense desire to wash it down with a sweet sweet thick shake. Growing up Friday night consisted of swimming lessons followed by fish n chips, to this day I crave hot chips whenever I smell chlorine.
This is the same for trauma. Bessel Van Der Kolk put it this way: Trauma responses are fundamentally "highly activated, incomplete biological responses to threat, frozen in time." So for the kids who've been trafficked, the sound of footsteps in the hallway at night, drunken slurring, or foreign accents could all trigger the child to re-experience prior trauma in the present time, despite now being in a safe place. Reactions that served to protect them in the past are triggered in the present setting, and can hinder their progress through a range of means including their ability to learn, retain memory, empathize, and develop social connections.
Massage day! As part of working as a counsellor, I am acutely aware that I need to do some things that are purely for me to avoid physical, mental, or emotional burnout; some of mine are fortnightly massages, time with special friends, crafting, and reading. Self care is a privilege the children do not get until they are rescued, indeed massage would more than likely be a trigger for them, as it has been for me too up until recently.
I've earned myself a reputation of having a lolly jar on my desk and making some pretty delicious cookies. These of course complicate sugar free July, but I'm not going to make my colleagues miss out too.
Many if the children who've been trafficked work in bars, serving drinks to the people who will become their abusers later in the evening.
It's easy for me to make cookies or keep a lolly jar stocked for colleagues that are friendly and pose no risk to me, the idea of these children serving someone they know is going to abuse them breaks my heart.
Today I was surrounded by workmates consuming chocolate and cookies. I wonder if the children who've been trafficked see or hear free children and long for their innocence, perhaps they can also remember a time before their current captivity when they too were carefree.
Today was the first day I apologised for doing the sugar fast. While visiting the parents of a new born baby, the new mother offered me a range of drinks, cakes and biscuits each containing sugar. She was so intent on serving me, such is her heart of hospitality, that she made me a fruit smoothie. She grew up in one of the countries destiny rescue works in and her amazing culture of no-obstacles hospitality is being exploited by traffickers for their own monetary gains. I am so glad that she (to the best of my knowledge) was never exploited in this way, and seeing her selfless love for others, born of her cultural upbringing, has made me more determined than ever to help these kids.
Breakfast cereals in this country are atrocious for added sugar! Ah well, good old porridge it is, still pondering last night's epiphany, especially how blessed I am to have choices.
After a long week, I sat here feeling sorry for myself; my neck is sore from sitting at a computer all day, I have nothing to do and no one to do it with, I can't be bothered making tea. Suck it up Adele, you have food in the fridge and a warm house to sleep in. Your sleep will more than likely not be interrupted by a stranger who owns you for the next hour or so. You know where your next meal is coming from. Every aspect of your life is healthier than the kids your working to help rescue.
Perspective is a wonderful thing
Full on day at work today kept the cravings at bay through distraction. I am reminded of a similar concept in reaction to trauma, it's called dissociation. This is where something is so hideous that God has designed our brains to separate our self from the physical body we inhabit; to retreat 'inside' to our 'safe place'. In much the same way as my work distracted me from the sugar cravings, dissociation allows a person to mentally, emotionally and even spiritually distance themselves somewhat from what is physically happening around and to them.
The problem with this is that ongoing or multiple traumas can lead to dissociative responses to day to day life as an almost proactive defense system. This makes engaging in relationships, conversations, and life in general very difficult. This is why the rescue is just the beginning for these kids, they have to then learn how to reconnect with the world around them.
Man, tonight was tough! I ordered pizza, and when it arrived they gave me a complimentary banana custard chocolate chip dessert pizza. Gah! I've been wanting to try that one for ages! I managed to abstain, but it was tough.
You're trooper Adele! So strong fighting off those temptations.
Love the updates! Brilliant and insightful. Keep em coming! :)
We are cheering you on!
No sugar today, but I am craving it for the first time since the fast began. Though I know sugar at the levels i was consuming it is bad for me, I still crave it!
I wonder if any of the children feel this way. Do they get Stockholm syndrome and miss their captors once they've been rescued? Trauma really does mess with the head, that's for sure.
Man have I delayed posting this update.
While sorting through the pantry getting ingredients out for lasagna I absently grabbed a cookie. When I was about to put the last bite in my mouth I realised what I was doing.
It occurred to me how much of a luxury forgetting is; to be so safe in my home at that moment that I could operate on autopilot. It hasn't always been that way for me, and I know that these children will be operating on high alert at all times, even after they're rescued until they relearn how to live when surrounded by safety.
Forgetting is a luxury not afforded to those who experience trauma, but with time and support the memories can lose their power, and sometimes motivate wider systemic change.
More temptations, but I haven't given in yet. I keep thinking about all the things these kids have taken from them, well it makes giving up sugar seem so trivial by comparison.
Sooo, I went to the movies last night and despite my friends having drinks, lollies and ice cream I stayed the course and didn't have sugar all day. Cravings haven't been too bad yet
The lovely Tayte (my colleague) is joining me on sugar free July!!! Just so everyone knows, our office might be a place to avoid once this gets underway :)
We are all set up and will be ready to go on the 1st July. Keep an eye out on the updates page for sugar-craving updates and breakthroughs.
