84km Ultra-marathon run for Depression & Anxiety

Two years ago, I began to not feel like myself. I felt alone and disconnected. I felt as though my life had no meaning or purpose. I felt as though I had no reason to get out of bed, let alone a future to work towards.

I was overwhelmed by life and had no way of controlling it. I crumbled, failing to keep it together, I quit my job. From there my life continued on a downward spiral. It was all falling out from under me, I quit university, I quit my diet and exercise regimen. I quit my friendships and connecting with my family and community. I quit on myself and gave up on life.

For 6 months I was bedridden. Heavily depressed, I would wake up and my first thought was "Why did I wake up today, I don't want to be here anymore". I gained 32kgs from comfort eating. My anxiety was so bad that I wouldn't even open my curtains when I woke. I was afraid to leave my room, so I would stay in bed and play fortnite, from waking in the morning, to sleeping at night. I needed help, but didn't know how to ask for it. For 6 months I hibernate in that dark room, crying endlessly, and feelings of shame, hopelessness, despair, and guilt throttling through my body. Low self-esteem, low confidence, and low self-worth, running away and escaping was my only intention. I abused drugs and alcohol. I abused myself; I lost all morals, dignity, and self-respect. I would sleep with woman in the night, seeking acceptance and short-term gratification. Self-medicating with drugs, alcohol, and woman, which only made it worse for me. It was tough for me to accept that, in the span of 6 months, not one person visited me, not one visitor. That's when I knew that a hand was not coming. I had to take accountability of myself, my life, and my current situation.

After 6 months of heavy depression, anxiety, and self-medicate, I wake up and glance around. Stacks of old rubbish covering the ground, bottles, and rubbish bags of junk starting to fill my room. Clothes all over the place my room was chaotic and was a reflection of my life. I also had mushrooms growing out of the carpet. I get myself out of bed and catch a glimpse of my reflection in the window. I stare at the stranger looking at me and breakdown.

This is where it all changed for me. I knew I had to make a change then and there. I had to take accountability and save myself. I couldn't keep living the way I was, I had to make a complete 180 degree turn and fight for my life. I see a pair of running shoes on the ground and decide to go for a run. It's the first time I've left home in weeks. My first run, I managed 800 metres before I was done. The feeling I felt after the run is nothing I've experienced since. I knew I had to keep doing it, so the next day I decided to do it again. I ran 1 km and from there, built myself to the point of running 5 km. This allowed me to feel good about myself; I wanted to start taking care of myself. That started with cleaning my room and throwing out 6 months of rubbish that I hoarded. I began following a diet and implementing an exercise regimen. The momentum became contagious, three weeks after my 800 metre run I got myself a job at a truck wash. My life finally had some stability and routine, it was becoming more and more familiar to me. One month after starting the job I knew I had to finish my University qualification. I called them and applied, long story short I was back at University sitting in the same seat I was one year earlier. What a moment that was for me, to sit back in the seat and let out a big sigh to myself. I sat there, thinking about how life had taken me down an interesting track. But, I wouldn't have it any other way.

I wanted to learn more about anxiety and depression. I had many questions about why I felt the way I did and why I reacted that way. What caused my life to spiral out of control? And what could I do to stop it from happening again? I began looking for answers and came across The Evolve Peer Support Group. Evolve Peer Support Trust is a mindfulness-based peer run Charitable Trust with a focus on people with anxiety and/or depression to improve their quality of life and mental well-being. I'd never spoken to anyone about the struggles I've had to face in my life. So, I called Andre Jackson who leads the group sessions. One week later I walked through the door and was welcomed by Andre, along the members of the group with open arms. I felt safe and comfortable enough to open up and share some of my experiences. Learning at a deep level of what anxiety and depression is has helped me with everyday living. I've acquired new skills, new understandings, and perspectives thanks to The Evolve Peer Support Group. Being amongst others in our community who fight the same battles that I do daily is very powerful. It gives me appreciation for my life and understanding that we are all going through something. Learning mindfulness and better ways of dealing with anxiety and depression has been very useful. Evolve has changed my life.

Now, I want others who are struggling, lost, battling and suffering to speak up. Don't be afraid to ask for help. Don't be afraid of the reflection in the mirror. Don't be afraid of judgement. If all I have to do is put my story out there and that's going to save one person’s life. Then this is a cause worth doing for me. It's not about money, it's about awareness. That's exactly what I get out of this, I get to lay with myself at night and know that my suffering has saved someone. I want people to know that they're not alone; we all have friends, family, people in our communities who love us. There's a way out of this spiralling dark hole and there are groups just like Evolve throughout New Zealand that want to help. All we need to do is ask. I owe it to myself and more importantly those who are going through exactly what I experienced.

The money raised will be used for the running of The Evolve Peer Support Groups. Anything is gratefully appreciated. Each week there will be an update video posted on social media. You can find the link on the give a little page.

*The photo at the start of the video was my 3 month transformation (105kg - 75kg)*

Link - https://www.evolvepeertrust.com

Thank you !!