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NZ Herald article on Dee...
http://www.nzherald.co.nz/nz/news/article.cfm?c_id=1&objectid=11560472
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Deanna on… How are you feeling about all of this?
I got the news when I was alone. My doctor turned up out of the blue, didn’t ask for my partner to join me and told me. Greg had spent about $600 on parking back and forth to North Shore and Auckland {hospitals}. They knew well I had a partner because he just about was always there.
The word cancer is something no one wants to hear and like many people never expected to. I just sat there on the bed alone and then curled up in a little ball like a baby crying and crying. Asking why me? It’s not fair. Then I called Greg to tell him the news and he rushed in through rush hour traffic. It took a while to get that strength. I mean what do you say? I could only say it was cancer.
He got angry at the doctors. I guess they were the easy target. Then we both cried, well Greg cried and I just sobbed and then we talked about how we were going to beat it and whatever it took we would do.
The doctors giving me the news alone was hard, but it really was their only slip up. Right throughout this they have been amazing.
At least I knew. A real hard part was the in and out of hospital for tests and stays and not knowing. I just wanted the doctor to say it’s a crazy infection and we can fix it. But it wasn’t that one. When I’d gone for an xray one of the nurses had said my left lung was fantastic but the other one was just a mess. I guess by this stage though you are also preparing yourself for the worst. Each bit of bad news adds up little by little and although you are hoping for the best you are hardening for the worst. It still doesn’t prepare you for it. There’s a flow of emotion you have like you’ve never had. All at once. I still get these now.
I know what the disease does and I know the odds. I do recognise that I have a big fight and long journey but it’s still surreal. Not as surreal as what it was, but it still is.
I still feel that I’ve been ripped off though, not able to become a mum. We got the last fertility bill last week. I felt my heart sink.
Deanna on… finding a cure and her fight
I’m relying on the people around me. I’m focussing on the cancer the nutritional, physical, spiritual and emotional stuff. There’s so much information. I’m lucky my family and friends are giving me their time so I can give me time, without them I don’t know where I would be. Whatever we decide I will be ready for it. So for me I heard that fighting cancer is 1/3 physical 1/3 heart and a 1/3 head. That hit home so I’m starting with my diet. I’ve always eaten well, but I will have to do better. Cancer doesn’t like sugar so that is gone. Meditation. Yoga if I can. The spiritual side. I’ve taken out a lot of books on a lot of topics so I will start by reading and taking out what I like and makes sense to me and putting it into practice.
Deanna on… What are you hopes for the future
It’s not about the future. It’s about the now. I think when I got diagnosed with cancer my thinking has gone through so many levels. First I was selfish, only thinking about how this affects me. Why me? I’m potentially dying. It took me a while not to use words like ‘potentially’, ‘possibly’…. anything with a little bit of hope before having to use the word ‘dying’. Then it was worry about Greg. My family, friends. You go through the cycle and eventually you come back to you. And you see your whole; your world and who and what is important to me. And they all live in the now. The cancer lives there too, so it’s the now that concerns me because it’s here with me and all that I love. The future sort of becomes a dream more than a hope, because as time ticks by you are face-to-face with so many realities that have been and are out of your control. Real diagnosis, real pain, so many facts. You numb and harden. I hope I do harden some more. This won’t be an easy fight. I need all the strength I can to get that control back. After that, and I’m clear that’s when I will start talking about the future. If others benefit from my journey, then it’s win:win. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy so if my discovery helps someone else yet to be diagnosed with mesothelioma well that thought makes me smile.
Deanna on… people
Everyone has just been incredible. The positivity drives me and their support and love I can feel. It’s in the darkest moments when people shine the brightest. Thank you.
