He passed away - nobody understand

Hello, my name is Philipp.

I am 31 years old and from germany and i like to please u for help.

First of all I want to say I am very lucky and grateful to get the chance writing u now. A Friend from Auckland told me about "givealittle". Filled with respect for every one who is brave enought and take courage to ask for help in times of need, now i feel hope but am afraid that no one will read and help me. Now I try to use the right words or formulations in english the best i can and have learned so far but it is not easy to talk/write about and to describe in a short way my situation and and the reasons writing and asking u for help. I could write pages and a book about what is happening in my life and i alreaddy did part of that, but it is not the time now to translate and tell all that because I am almost in despair and feel powerless. It is such a complex story, but i try to make it short.

2 years ago i took all my courage and borrowed 10000 $, quited my jobs and went of from my hometown, left germany behind to came over to new zealand looking and searching for harmony, balance and a place to recover. All the years before I was working so hard, worried a lot about my parents, struggeling that much with my health, feeling like a robot unable to go the way i want to. But step by step i sorted out my whole life to get readdy to do start over a new try about what I was dreaming of so long befor. Feeling myself in safe conditions healing and cure my exhausted body, mind and soul. To get away from the society and all the trouble and things that made me suffer so much the last 10 years. I was overfilled with worries and negative emotions, injuries, pain, bad experiences and pressure.

After 2 month being in Newzealand and overcome first steps of struggeling, I began to realize that u are so good to me and that I am able to talk and open my heart without getting hurt I found myself starting a new life. All the pain and everything transformed into new energie and hope, new kind of strongness and couriousity. Finally i felt in love with u guys and the way you make me breath freely and think smart, talk, act, love and life with nature in such a humility and honest way to myself. I felt that much welcome and openhearted, it was wonderfull and one of the best experiences i had so far in my life. The last 10 years i alreaddy had lost connection to my heart and my body. I felt trapped and struggeling but fighting for my breath all the time. Fighting to feel allowed to talk my heart and be the way i am and tried to find a way to identificate myself in that society i lifed with. But i was filled with fear and worries. No good.

But long story short...Nz helped me to find back the way to my heart. After 5 month being there my brother decided to marry very spontaneously. So I decided to share this special moment with them and spend the money i have been worked for so hard (to pay back the money I hv borrowed) for the flight. But it was all worth it. I had a wonderfull summer and it was the first time in my life where I felt that much connected to my father, able to see and feel things I have never seen before. So I stayed for another 3 month to be present with and for my parents and be with them watching and learning for that moments when their suffered hearts opens to give them love and compassion for healing. Later than back in newzealand I found myself under pressure more than ever before becaus of the money that I had to pay back. But lucky me I allways found the right steps to do and the situation between my parents and their hearts just gave me hope, makes me smile and happy most oft the time. I was that much looking forward to see them again next summer. It felt so good and right what I was doing and going for. But after 2 month of hard work life changed within one single moment.

My beloved father died, unexpected and suddenly. There is no clear cause of death and nobody knows why. Since then, everytime I think about, it make me sad and I do not understand. But i hope everything happends for a reason. So I was happy about the last summer spending that much time with my father, but i was so angry not be able to talk, look and learn about his heart and way and see him again. With fear and suspense but well prepaired and supported because of u guys and the way you teached me to handle such situations I went of back to germany again to suite my family and be there for my frightened mother. But now being back in germany things become difficult again. The last 7 months negative enregy and life was crushing down on me that much, I have lost all the good attitude I have learned and found in newzealand. I have spend all the money for the flights between nz and germany. But what scares me the most is I also have lost so many energy and weight just because of the winter and while caring for my mothers heart and spending hope and faith every day the last 7 month.

And now i am here, I cant stand it and handle it any longer alone. I feel fear.

Since daddy suddenly died, life became more and more confused and has changed that much, Now I dont know what to do at first, but asking u for help. I feel and see my self under pressure all the time. A lot of work need to be done and it hurts me watching my mother roaming around and not being able to calm her down but feeling responsible about her heart and steps now.

But where do i start and where should I stop. So much time goes by and instead things getting better things seems to become worser more and more. Everything around me, my heart and my home where I growed up well protected and surrounded with love, nature, two lovely neighbours families and my best mate in mind...everything has changed the last months that much and running hazard to collaps now. That scares me so much.

My brothers child is born blind and just able to use 5 % of visus.

My neighbours Joachim on the left side is disabled with multiple sclerosis since he is born. Last summer and the summer before 2 times a week I took him for a guided walk, to be there for him if he collapses, because once he has fallen he can not get up by itself again. He became such a good friend to me and a teacher in philosophy and other sensitive topics of life. Their grandmother died just some days before my daddy died as well.

Finally now Joachim needs a wheelchair, but his health insurance doesnt pay for it. So they took out a big loan to adapt, reconstruct and expand their house become accessible and to unit the family with their home coming son and his children. But now Daniel son collapses breaking down exhausted of all the circumstances.

My neighbours on the other side, now after 14 years Hanne is dignozed with cancer again. 10 years ago her husband Cesar had a grand stroke, is paralysed, sitting in a electric wheelchair, not able to talk, just can use some single words like "yes" and "no". But she takes care of him by her own without whining. She is such a brave woman and examplary for everyone but now fighting for her own life again. Everything is unsure and maybe Cesar needs to go to a care retirement home, now that she is diagnozed with cancer again.

Finally my best mate and his family, we growed up with each other, runned through adventures and supported each others hearts always and any time. They are like a family to me. He is such a brave and selfless guy and I know and love him since i am 6 years old. 1,5 years ago he became father and now he tries to create a place that protects his new family and is far away from the city. So he tries to expand his families house to support them and be with them as well. But his own health is struggeling that much since years and nobody is able to help. Since I am back in germany I am not far away from him, but I cant help him that much as I would like to do so, just because of my own struggeling situation and the pressure about the money. It hurts and makes me miss him so much. But I dont wanne burd him with my own situation.

All in all...my big heart but little world around me and my home makes me hold my breath and struggling so much, Every day I see myself more and more helpless and be in thoughts with them so much. I feel all the pressure and circumstances, the sufferings and pain with them.

Its such a frustrating fact, that money seems to rule the world, while those who suffers the most and standing tall with truly and noble heart dont have that money they need to make steps a little easier.

It feels so unfair feeling and watching most of the people pressurized by society, from a system that faces illusions and makes the people moving faster and faster like robots...loosing connection to their hearts and unable to express their true emotions...keeping up appearances and become a kind of product...that really makes me angry deep inside. Learning from and live with those people from that society for me means runnig hazard getting hurt, feel used and abate every day. I often get lost here. Most of times I feel wrong and not welcome in that society. Like an alien. To find some places where to take a rest and my breath, where to feel safe becomes more and more difficult. I feel the same like my daddy. And I am angry that they made my daddy suffer so much. My daddy always was a smart thinking man. rebellic and brave, but in a shy and gently way. But now...he is dead. I could cry. But I will follow his footsteps and carry on to do what he lived for. To feel his values and principles in me, his truely noble heart beating in my heart as well, is the most beautifull gift I discovered the last summer. I try to see it in a positiv way, otherwise i would get angry that much.

But what makes me angry the most is now watching my mother transforming into one of those robots, roaming around, full of worries and sorrows, not able to talk her heart, filled with pressure and pain. Getting woozy more and more.

It makes me worrie and suffer so much, I dont wanne lose my real mom as well, now where my father has gone.

I miss him so much and my calmed mother as well. I really hope now he is well and watches down on me in peace and harmony. Maybe he will be proud about the way i go and soothed about my care for my mothers heart... or mad wants me to go my own way not doing same mistaces and steps he did...but sloly I understand that this all is part of my way, part of his way, that everything comes together like a big puzzle and happens for a reason. So I have promised myself, and this is another big part of my dream, to take him with me, to all those places where he has not been to but always has dreamed of. Where people are more openhearted and with nature, less pressure and less fear, where learning is more than welcome and available.

The last 10 years I have learned so much so far, every day with every step I made was filled with learning and helping other people, make them happy and smile. It is part of my life, my destiny i guess. It is my heartwish.

I alreaddy have started to study by my own about energyeffects, acupunctur, yoga, traditional chinese medicine and other wonders of life and ways of art...So I really like to learn even more ...to be able help people feel good. Keep the sun shining. I hv tried so much to learn and give...but its all about the money. I dont like.

To become a teacher in yoga would cost 5000 $ and to study chinese medicine would cost even more. I want so much, but I cant right now. This is why I dream and see myself going to places where I meet people who share knowledge and wisdom and teaches me without being a teacher that much. Where I learn those things I like to study by listen to those who speaks and acts from a noble truely heart without acting selfish just thinking about money or getting rich.

I imagine It would be so wonderfull to be with children in africa and everywhere where help and sunshine in heart is welcome and needed ... to help develop and create, build new dreams and smile in their eyes and heart. To share my heart and what I am dreaming for the way I am and the way I can give.

But finally, and what means the most to me is...i have learned, I dont need much to be happy and to dream of. And this is what I life and go for now.

I promized myself and my daddy to keep on moving and to protect my heart well and the heart of my family and my beloved ones and those who needs to be protected. Same like I wish people would act to me and same like my daddy did.

I just want him pacified and no suffer watching down on me now, no worries in his eyes and with a trustfull and peacefull smile, exactly like the picture i hv in my mind when I saw him for the last time.

I am sure he wouldnt ask for help...he always wanted to fix things by his ow and stopped trusting people to much from that society...but he never had the chance to recover and learn the way i have started. He have had been in nz and never had the chance to learn what it means to act together the way you do and feel the spirit and welcome love that I felt in nz through u guys.

And now...I wish I could make some basic steps, to find hope again and make things a little easier, it would be so wonderfull to find helping hands and collect money as much as i can. It would make me breath much more easier to feel my mom without worries about money and about my health, without worries about all the problems and things need to be fixed in and arround our home. To get rid of the mouldiness, that makes my allergy and athma bloom like a flower is one of those little things, but everything becomes important when health is struggeling again. Also, we dont have a sewage hook up. The already existing septic tank, which our three families neighborhood is connected with, has to be emptied often and therefore causes high maintaining costs and running hazard of flooding all the time. It smells so much, as the tank is located just some steps away from our backdoor. Very easy our interior of the house smell of waste water and feces which triggers my asthma again within one single breath so easaly. My father was very afraid of that and engaged to minimize this problem, but it would cost up to 10000 $ to get a real sewerage and hook up, as our house is located in the middle of nowhere.

This are some reasons why I need to be honest to myself and need to take good care about my own heart, as i am high sensitiv and responsive for so many allergies and things. I cant run the pace other people can do or what other people can go for. Very easy situations and stress can takes my breath away and I get into trouble. Since I had some injuries in the time of active sportsmen I am limited. But thats ok, I have arranged myself with that situation. But I really would like to get some special medical treatments which could help my wellbeing and could make me feeling stronger again, but i cant pay for them now so they have to wait. But I get used to it, this is part of my way,

Anyways, I try to be brave and figure out what is really neccessary to do next and what am I able to do next. But without money we are all very limited in our actions and we need to wait again and again. My mom wasnt able to work the last 30 years and did not had a easy time at all. So her heart is filled with worries and feelings about being responsible for anything that seems to be wrong done or not could be paid or repaired because of no money. But she wasnt and isnt!!! She is such a selfless and wonderfull person. Same like my daddy was. He allways worked hard and they gave everything they had with open heart and hand for beloved and those who needs. 7 Years ago, we collected money to his birthday, so that he would be able to travel to some places like paris and other cities he never had seen before but always dreamed of. But some days later my beloved grandma, my only one, became sick in heart and in need of good care. Concidering that of course my parents spend all that collected money for my grandmas new circumstances. Later on two years ago, grandma came into hospital because of a bagatellic little thing, but the hospital made it big and they made her die after putative treatment mistakes and a following dramatic anguish. It was such a hard time for all of us, expecially for my parents. It took one year to see my mother smile a little bit again. Since that day,I never saw my father embarressed and in sorrow that much before. Till now, my mother feels so much sorry and responsible, is in thoughts and sorrow for grandmas death. But things happens, and sometimes we are not able to fell decisions or act in the way we wish we could. Anyway beside all the human tragedies we have past the last years, my parents were allways worried about money and family but they never whined that much but i felt it. So I growed up with that feelings and this is what i am so scared of to feel again, about worries, about suffering, about pain, about lost, and that money seems to rule the world and our feelings so easy. I dont like.

Nonetheless...what i try to do at the moment is to save and collect money to be able to move and learn, to fix and sort things, to be able to give back money that my mother gave me to help me paying back money I have borrowed to start a new life and way in new zealand. I wand to help her paying money back to our neighbour Hanne. Money she borrowed for the funeral of daddy, but now Hanne needs that money for her own way more then ever before. Also I need to pay back money that was given from the federal education assistment act to support me start study 10 years ago.

But anyways...

No matter what reasons I tell u or what i am dreaming of...Everything becomes less important when some one beloved passes away that way my daddy did...but on the other side life must goes on and new hope should be born every day again. I dont want to give my self up to despair but I am on the point of doing so.

In my heart I am such a brave and positiv thinking guy. With you guys I have learned that every day and moment should be a gift and chance to start over a new life and get into gear, being grateful for being alife, going for dreams and protecting them. But now it just pulls me down day by day. again and again and I cant give resist any longer. I feel holding my breath all the time and watches my dreams turning into ashes... maybe my hope asking u for help is the beginning of a new chance to find hope and faith again, to believe in humality, selfless help and love. It means so much to me to pick up that little hope. I could cry right now by imagine it could work.

I want to thank you so much for reading my calling. It means so much to me to know helping hearts in that time.

I want to be grateful, it is so important, but often lost in a world where people forget what it means to help and support each other in times of need, where people forget about their noble heart and dont have time to listen.

I really hope soon everything will be fine again...I would like to experience so much more now where I had started, to catch up and realize all the dreams i wasnt able to go for the last 15 years of my life and make me and all my beloved happy again every day.

But I need time to take a breath, to find hope again and to recover and regain strenght for myself and my mothers heart.

An overview

What the funding will be used for...

a) pay back the money friends borrowed to me and my family for: funeral of my father 5000$

b) pay back money my mother borrowed from my neighbour Hanne to help me paying back money i had borrowed for newzealand 5000$ (4000 only for flights between nz and germany) we need to pay back to my neighbour as she is diagnozed with cancer again...she needs the money, but we dont have

c) Finally, that all supports my dream to get back on the road and to become an author...this is what I am dreaming of... "

In humility and silent memory of my daddy.

With love sending you a tired but warm smile and little but bright light.

Thank u for listening and your patient.

Faithful and in hope,

Philipp