My journey to Aspire

Hey everyone

Thank you firstly for taking the time to click the link and have a read about why I'm asking for some help. It's huge that you've shown an interest in my wee little life :) I'll try not to take up too much more of your time.

Backstory.

I've struggled with the big black dog of depression for a loooong time. Events have happened throughout my life that have pushed me to the brink and on more than one occasion, I've thought that life would be better for everyone without me in it and desperate for some peace from my own thoughts. It's hard to write that and it's even harder to think about all the people that could read it and terrifyingly the judgements that will be made about it, but I digress...

Late in 2015 I injured my back. I aggravated an older injury (sustained from doing housework of all things!) and one of the sneaky discs in my back decided that it wasn't going to be manipulated back into position and was going to crush my sciatic nerve instead. I went from physiotherapist, to chiropractor, sports physician and had a big fat steroid injection right into the area (L5-S1) but nothing was working. Imagine if you will the pain of pins and needles but constantly, 24hrs a day, 7 days a week but no relief when taking painkillers. It drove me mad. I was signed off work, basic tasks became mammoth and my mum had to move in to help me function and effectively keep suicide watch. Not only was I in debilitating pain, but my mood plummeted to its lowest point ever. My anxiety peaked to unbearable levels when having to venture out of the house for counselling and doctors appointments and I feared I would never get my 'normal' life back. After 4 months of this I finally got to see a surgeon who took one look at the MRI scan and said surgery was my only option. Two weeks later I was recovering from the surgery and looking at the next steps. There were physio appointments, return to work plans drawn up (as I'd been out of the office for 6 months) and the process of fitting back into society started.

Never a one to do things by halves, in amongst all this I was additionally dealing with the realisation that the use of alcohol in my life, had reached unprecedented levels. I'd always enjoyed a drink and used it as a crutch during tough times but throughout 2015 it had got out of hand. I hit new lows end 2015-early January 2016, when I was hiding the amount I was drinking from my friends, parents, housemate, and trying to convince myself it was normal. (Just as a side note: There's a reason doctors say don't mix alcohol with anti-depressants or painkillers!) Alcohol needed to be permanently removed from my diet and although it was a hard time to do it, being trapped in the house in pain, meant I wasn't out socialising and getting over my addiction in public view.

Now I won't bore you with the ugly details of functioning without alcohol, dealing with raw emotions that I had normally hidden from, learning about my new limitations bodywise and trying to work out where I now fitted on this little planet we call home. I did find incredible help through a website called Living Sober (www.livingsober.org.nz) and talked with some amazing people about recovery. I owe them a huge debt and Lotta Dann, if you miraculously read this, you are a lifesaver for taking the brave step to change your life and for setting up this amazing website and community. There were good days, bad days and days where I just watched the minutes tick by to say I made it through another day. Some days dealing with depression and addiction is just about making it through. To say my confidence had taken a knock was an understatement. I lived in fear for a long time of injuring my back again or reverting to using alcohol and being reduced to a wreck of a human being again.

The Future.

It is now just over two years since the surgery on my back and nearly 30 months since my last drink. I have changed as a human being and while some people may say the old me was more fun (haha), I've grown as well. I have worked on ways to help my mental state and know the things I can do to help distract myself when I feel a downward spiral starting. I'm not cured, but I have awesome parents, amazing friends and a fantastic doctor who are all there to support me. However I'm still lacking some pretty basic confidence in myself and what I'm capable of. A while back, my friend told me about Outward Bound - an organisation that helps people to realise their true potential and builds skills and attitudes that can be employed in adult life. They take you out of your comfort zone, place you in the wilderness - well Anakiwa in the South Island - with a group of strangers and remove outside contact, phones, emails etc. Following my surgery I thought that I wouldn't be fit enough to do one of their courses and resigned it to the missed opportunities basket (along with bungee jumping and skydiving). However, while reading other peoples stories on the Outward Bound website, I discovered that there was a lower impact course that they run called Aspire. This course while still the same length as their other popular courses at 8 days, is a lower intensity course designed for people who suffer from arthritis, early onset MS, back injuries or have had amputations, more info can be found here if you're interested: https://www.outwardbound.co.nz/courses/aspire

To say I was excited when I read this would cheapen the effect it had on me. It felt like a game changer. I sent off for an information pack and after reading through more information that was provided via email, I sorted my enrolment form and deposit and secured a place on the Aspire course being held from 9th September to 16th September this year. There are still some fitness requirements, albeit a lower level and I'm working on building my strength and stamina up with gym visits. I'm also going on long hikes/tramps when I can, without overdoing it. Now my fitness is only one part of the requirements for the course. Outward Bound is a non-profit organisation and course participants are required to raise the funds necessary to take part in their chosen course themselves. They do offer scholarship programs but being employed full time, I feel that a scholarship can be used by someone more deserving than myself.

Where do you come into this?

I have raised about half of the fee which has been paid already, but I'm going to come up short saving on my own for the remaining funds. I also need to pay for my travel to and from the base in Anakiwa, so will be ferrying it to the South Island and back. I want to do a bake sale at work after some offers to provide baking from some lovely peeps but wanted to enable friends and family to assist me in reaching my goal that are outside of Wellington or outside of NZ altogether. So basically I'm on the scrounge lol. People have been so amazing throughout my journey so far and I want to be able to turn my woeful tale into a success story. A triumph! If you've made it through this blurb please make it through to the donate link and help this skull loving weirdo get her groove back. A couple of dollars, or pounds from everyone I know and I should blast through my target in no time.

Thank you for your support, aroha and your time x