HELP ME get out of this hole and grow some mushrooms!

I am in a place I never thought I would be. I am in the most colossally awful poverty trap. I am on the the sole parents benefit which leaves me enough money at the end of each week to choose between our essential needs. My rego is out of date and my road users.... well that is just scary. I am behind on my rates, I have not paid school fees and I am too scared to open any more emails on the subject. It is horrendous. Without the good grace of good friends and family, I would have failed months ago. I have had people fill my fridge, freeze, wood pile, drop off feed for the animals.

I moved to North Canterbury from Christchurch late last year because I could not afford to purchase in Christchurch and a rural lifestyle appealed. I commuted into Christchurch five times a week until early this year; when the construction company I was working for illustrated that they were quite prepared to operate outside Health and Safety laws in order to line the boss's pocket. Under the law changes if I knowingly went along with that I could face jail time. As a single parent that was a cost I was not prepared to shoulder. In February I was forced to leave my job.

I was not overly concerned as I had leave owing and negotiated several more weeks of garden leave as part of my exit package. And I was prepared to work and I had heard that North Canterbury was a high employment area. I applied for every local job going, even if I was not qualified for it. I figured that my CV may catch the eye of someone and they may realise that their business could benefit from employing someone like me. I was surprised that I had not had a job offer by March, in fact I had not even had an interview. I expanded my search to include Christchurch, after all sometimes ideals (living and working in the country) need to give-way to practicality (I need to pay my bills and feed my boys). I also worked on the local harvest season to help ends meet. March and April disappeared and despite an unflappable belief the next phone call would be a wonderful job opportunity, May arrived and the phone did not ring.

Financial desperation has become my companion, always there, never leaving. I found it so completely absurd that my situation had come to the point of having to go to WINZ; I am smart, adaptable and versatile with a brilliant work history, I work hard. But I had little choice, my leave had gone, my garden leave had gone, my savings had gone, my credit-card maxed. WINZ offer no real help, just a giant stick to hit you while you are down and to keep you down. I stayed on the single parents support for a week, before taking a temporary casual job as a vineyard assistant, pruning vines paid at minimum wage. I thought working was better than not working

Starting at 7.30am in the morning regardless of temperature or weather and working each and every minute of the day in a bid to make 'rate' and not be fired for working too slow. This means you need to cut, clear, prune and tie-down one plant each and every two minutes of a eight hour working day in order to be 'safe'. The work was punishing, by the end of the day I was exhausted and my hands were swollen and sore and I was covered in bruises. I would wake in the nights with painfully pins and needles in both my hands. In the mornings my hands would be stiff and I was unable to perform simply tasks like opening a jam jar. I manage to work for four weeks. Bruised and battered, I returned to WINZ. I haven't given up, I have another temporary farming job but as I earn WINZ cut, I have additional costs, like diesel and suitable clothing so (and I hope I am wrong) I end up in the same place or worse off.

And now I am firmly in the jaws of the most revolting poverty trap. Almost daily I get to choose between feeding my boys or putting diesel in the ute so I can get them to school. I am not trying to be perverse, ironic, or funny that is the choice I get to make. My boys regularly miss school, this is not something I am proud of. I want out.

Some days, I want out altogether - not that I want to commit suicide, I just want this reality to end. I feel ashamed for being here, I feel ashamed for not wanting to be here, I feel ashamed for not being the amazing competent person I should be, I feel ashamed I can't pay my bills, can't feed my boys, can't fuel my car, can't bring a plate, can't visit with friends, can't contribute to my community. I wonder what the lesson is I am missing, why I am caught in this whirlpool that will surely drown me.

But I have a plan.

My property in the Hurunui is just under an acre, with a typical one hundred square metre three bedroom house and some really cool out buildings. One outbuilding room, is a weird room with deep shelves and looks like it has been used for drying or growing something... and while growing weed might solve my short term problems, it may cause some longer term issues. What I want to do is grow mushrooms. To start just buttons, shiitakes and maybe oysters to sell at local farmers' markets. But as I researched I found, contrary to what I was told as a child, that many native mushrooms are edible and are not poisonous and made up an important part of local Maori diets. Ultimately I want to regain this knowledge and share it and grow and sell our native edible fungi. This is where I need your help, I need start up capital and I don't have it. I am accessing my Kiwisaver under the hardship clause but I am only allow to use those funds to address arrears not to start a business. Please if you can help that would amazing, if you can't I love you and I hope with all my heart things get better for you too. But either way can you please share this post. And thank you for taking the time to read my story.